Notes of a Caregiver

The last time I brought up the things I miss about my father was over four years ago. I know there are many more things that I remember about my father that I’d like to share. This is my one way of keeping his legacy alive, and more importantly who he is for me, and less about the shell of a man he’s becoming.

I miss the passion my father had for anything new. He always told me if you ever wanted to learn something about life, it’s probably written in a book. And to that end, he collected book after book, signing it “Mendoza Library” on the inside cover.

I remember how my dad was the life of the party. Circling from group to group, cracking jokes, entertaining kids, sharing stories. My mom, often had to pry him from social gatherings, and parties. When I was 11, he asked me to dress up in a suit, and whisked me away to a San Francisco city function. I don’t recall the context, but he had me socialize with political folks within the city, Mayor Agnos, Chief of Police Jordan, key leaders in the Filipino community.

I miss his writings, how he was once in the Methodist seminary, and helped write sermons and speeches for friends, family and me. The “Genghis is my name, and Winning is my game” slogan which promptly won the position of Freshman class president, was his ghostwriting in action.

I miss his giving and volunteer spirit. He was the first to take on roles in the community that often gave back to other people. He was once a volunteer to counsel people going through grief from the loss of a loved one. He was also WPL’s 4th – 6th grade Soccer coach, all because I told him we don’t have a soccer team, because we had no coach. He jumped at the opportunity, not knowing a thing about soccer. He picked up books about the sport, taught it and learned with us. Needless to say our initial record in the fourth grade was losing a 0-1-7 record. He kept at it in the 5th grade and eventually brought us to a CYO playoff spot in the 6th grade.

There are so many other things I miss about him, but if you happened to know him and he’s influenced you in some way, I’d love to hear your memories of him. Please share…

It’s been almost nine years since my father was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s. I can say that my ability to handle the ups and downs and changes, has been a journey in and of itself, but because of the love and support of close family and friends, I feel I’m at a point of acceptance.

It’s been almost a year since the last time I’ve written anything, and I’d chalk it up to moving on, however I’d say that’s simply a cop out. There’s a part of me that has learned to let go, but every so often I lapse, and think about how my father used to be. In recent months I’ve been compelled to write, for other reasons, but this past weekend, spending time with extended family, I came to understand something about coping with this disease.

Alzheimer’s breaks not only the individual, but the social network around the individual. Caregivers who learn to make the adjustments, can’t do it alone. It’s often the support of family members and friends, often going above and beyond to check in and make an effort to support the ones affected. And when I say the one’s affected, I mean the primary caregivers like my mom.

I used to be angry at those who opted to be selfish and focus on themselves. Immediate family members who only stopped by when they wanted something. Friends who were around when everything was fine, but suddenly vanished and moved on, because they did not know how to handle the stress of listening.

All that anger crippled me, to the point of desperation. And when you’re placed in that situation, you begin to block everyone and everything. It wasn’t until I met someone, who made me realize that reaching out to find support, in different forms, was the only true means to tackle the difficulty involved with Alz. No one person can handle the struggles of losing someone daily. It takes effort to reach a point where you can be ok with the changes. Finding a way to eventually move on.

Now I am a point where I want the ones who have strayed away from our lives, to realize that time is short. The moments of my dad’s memories are fleeting. You have a short time to make an effort and cherish who he was for you in your life. Whether he was a close friend, a caring brother, a loving uncle, a coach, a mentor or father figure to you; these moments you create with him today are not only his, but yours to hold dear. This is your time to let go, just as much as it’s my father’s. This is your time to reach out and tell him how much you love him, before the day he simply forgets who you are.

A part of learning to let go, is accepting and cherishing the moments you have left. Embrace them and live with the memories you have yet to create.

Just read this article in regards to a medical study which states that high levels of Cholestorol in mid-life significantly leads to an increase in Alzheimer’s later in life.

“This is the first study, to our knowledge, to show that not only high cholesterol, but also borderline high cholesterol, is associated with dementia,” says Dr. Rachel Whitmer, senior author in the study.

Finding out things that prevent the onset of Alzheimer’s is another step in improving your lifestyle and health now and later in life. Having a healthy heart, leads to a healthy mind. This is an important step in prevention rather than resigning that Alzheimer’s just arrives due to old age.

“We need to start thinking about risk factors for dementia in middle age, and cholesterol is a risk factor for dementia that is somewhat modifiable,” said Whitmer, a research scientist and epidemiologist at the Kaiser Permanente Division of Research in Oakland, California.

Just something to think about for caregivers fearing their health.